Yesterday was hard. So very hard. It's been 6 months since Rebel came to stay with us and he's finally gone to his forever home.
I gave Reb a bath the day before and on Friday night I told him he was going to his new home. He looked at me with his big blue eyes, not understanding what I was saying. He did know I wanted to go for a ride so that was good. He obediently got into the car with no help from me needed.
Rebby after his bath, looking dapper
We drove in the pouring rain, in the dark to my friend's house. Another Foster who would take him to his forever home. She was taking him because I thought it would be easier to say goodbye to him there, than at his new home. .. but I was wrong. It wasn't easier.
When we arrived, we dashed to her front door. I brought his coat (he hated the cold) his duck, his food and handed him over to Kate. She hugged me and and that's when the tears started. I said I better leave before I got too emotional. I looked at Rebel and he was concerned. He could sense I was not happy and tried to leave with me. I saw a hint of fear and a lot of confusion and that's what killed me. I was leaving him. Again. Again the human he was supposed to trust was abandoning him. I couldn't take it so I said "I better go." and rushed out. I looked back and could see him standing anxiously in the full length sidelight not wanting to be left. In my mind I imagined what he would have said if he could. "Where are you going? Why can't I come? Take me with you!" He wanted to come with me. Wasn't he supposed to come with me?
I dashed to my car and sat in the dark. The pouring rain pounding on my car and let out an agonized cry. The tears and sobbing couldn't be controlled. "Oh God! How could I do this to him again! I'm sorry Rebel! I'm sorry! Oh GOD I'm SO SORRY REBEL!" I felt like I failed him again. One more human in a string of humans who let him down.
I drove home crying the whole way. The windshield washers pushed the rain aside, while I pushed the tears away so I could see. I was glad it was a long drive because I needed the entire time to cry myself out.
Kate called me on Saturday to let me know he was now in his new forever home. Somehow I didn't take solace in that because I knew he was confused and a little frightened once again. Rationally I knew he would be fine. Better than fine. I knew he would be happy and loved the way he deserved to be loved. But I also knew dogs live in the moment and at this moment, Rebel wanted to be with someone he knew.
Knowing how much he went through though, I know he will adjust and once again bounce back. I just hated giving him one last blow to his spirit. But just as I know he's not happy right now, I know in a week he will start to come around and in a week, after that, he'll start to love and every week, for the rest of his life, he'll be loved.
Goodbye Rebel. I will miss you.