The crime:
Theft and subsequent devouring of a 4-5 lb piece of beef brisket
We have reason to believe that 4 suspects were accessories to the crime, but only 1 diabolical criminal mind could have pulled this off.
The suspects:
Was it Meena Patel: A.K.A. baby faced fluff ball? Notorious gang member and supposed ring leader and mastermind behind the criminal group known as the Bengal Baddies. Her wily ways are thought to be behind the groups notorious robberies and brutal execution like tactics.
Perhaps it was Richard Parker: A.K.A. The Terminator? Well known throughout the underworld as the “cleaner” for the Bengal Baddies. Also believed to be behind the mouse massacre of 2016.
Maybe Theodore: A.K.A. Four-Fingered Ted? Known for his insatiable appetite and kleptomaniac tendencies. Believed to be behind the 2015 “Counter-capers,” an unsolved string of robberies from May 2015 to November 2015. These robberies struck fear across the city for their brutal, animal like nature, taking down all manner of objects in order to get to his target.
Was it Juno: A.K.A. Angel Face? Often escaping on her good looks and seemingly innocent nature, she takes advantage of her victims by lulling them into a false sense of security before striking. She has slipped through the fingers of law enforcement innumerable times with the mere bat of an eyelash. Known in criminal circles as “the Enforcer”, her mild demeanor erupts into full intimidation with the slightest infraction. Step out of line in her world and she is known to come down like a hammer on her subordinates. It’s believed she controls the peace brokered between the Bengal Baddies and the Aussie Ass Kickers.
The Timeline:
Approximately 1 week ago, the victim, David Smith of 123 Lexington Avenue, purchased a large piece of beef brisket with the intention of making Pastrami. Mr. Smith began brining his huge hunk of meat at approximately 1:00 PM January 9th.
The brisket sat refrigerated and brining making its transformation to corned beef. After a week at approximately 8:00 am, Mr. Smith removed the brisket and drained it, placing it in fresh water to remove the salt. He sat the open pot on the counter and retired to his upstairs office. With his wife having gone into work, the pot sat unattended.
It’s believed that sometime between 9:30 am and 12:30 pm the brisket was removed from the pot. Placed on the floor and devoured by all 4 suspects. Angel face escaped with the final hunk of meat measuring about 4 x 4 inches, and attempted to retreat to the safety of Mr. Smith’s office to eat her share, when discovering it still contained Mr. Smith.
Confronted by Mr. Smith she was ordered to drop it and complied. She immediately turned to her natural defenses of big puppy dog eyes and interminable cuteness to escape prosecution. Mr. Smith was temporarily bedazzled however realized to his horror that this 4 inch piece of meat was in fact his 5 lb brisket. He raced downstairs where he found no evidence of the crime. The criminals scattered to the four corners of the house eradicating all evidence in their wake. The only indication of the thievery was the missing beef.
The Evidence:
The pot was found, intact, on the counter with all of the water STILL in the pot. This would normally indicate opposable thumbs. However the criminals identified at the scene had none.
Currently the investigation is focused on Four-Fingered Ted and The Terminator.
The crime fits Four-Fingered Ted’s m.o. of thievery and complete devouring of the stolen object, but doesn’t fit with his “take no hostages” attitude; often destroying all objects that stand in his way. The pot in this case remained strangely undisturbed.
This could be the work of The Terminator but the beef was quite heavy and placed in a deep pot. While having more finesse than Ted, it’s quite heavy for a cat of his size and requires reaching in and lifting the heavy beef out of the pot, again without disturbing the water or vessel. He is known to be a cat of unusual strength, but could he pull off this seemingly super kitty like feat?
Could this have been a coordinated effort? Did the Bengal Baddies and Aussie Ass Kickers join forces to pull off the Kitchen Caper of the Century?? Authorities are turning to the public for any information they may have leading to the arrest and prosecution of these depraved criminals.
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